


Cαи уσυ fєєℓ му нєαят? - Ciel Phantomhive x Reader

by musichesca



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Adult Ciel Phantomhive, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cute Ciel Phantomhive, Emotional Roller Coaster, Empathy, Everything is Beautiful and Nothing Hurts, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluffy Ending, Heavy Angst, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, I Made Myself Cry, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Oneshot, Romance, Sad with a Happy Ending, Song Lyrics, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-07
Updated: 2017-10-07
Packaged: 2019-01-10 04:11:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12290976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musichesca/pseuds/musichesca
Summary: ❝I long for that feeling to not feel at all❞➖ The past haunts your darkest nights and soon the pain becomes unbearable - questions about what has and could have been wreak your sanity: you'd do anything to stop this vicoius sorrow. Fortunately, your beloved husband is always there by your side.Song: Can you feel my heart? By Bring me the Horizon> I don't own either Ciel Phantomhive and the Black Butler anime (which were created by the awesome mangaka Yana Toboso) nor you. Obviously neither the song belongs to me. For a better atmosphere listen to the song while reading.Note: This is one of my oldest fics, please have mercy





	Cαи уσυ fєєℓ му нєαят? - Ciel Phantomhive x Reader

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: Attempted suicide and graphic violence ahead - if those themes trigger you, please don't read. 

“ _Can you hear the silence?_  
_Can you see the dark?_  
_Can you fix the broken?_ ”  
  
Long (H\C) locks shone in the moonlight as they cascaded down the black clad lady’s shoulders. Unshed tears filled her saddened (E\C) eyes and a lonely dagger rested its fancy handle in trembling, pale hands. In the dim moonlight she waited, only the whispers of the wind and the silence of the forest below to be heard.  
  
“ _Can you feel... can you feel my heart?”_  
  
That night, on the balcony of the ancient mansion that had become her home and sanctuary, she stared at the deadly, poisonous weapon in her hands, aiming it at her sweaty throat, dressed in the funeral’s garments. She would soon reach the forgotten voice that hunted her dreams nightly, giving in to her horrendous nightmares and frightening thoughts. She would end it all. Otherwise she would see **them** again, clawing at her feet, blaming her, screaming at her for being a traitor. She didn’t want to see their bloody faces, their sharp claws tearing her flesh off, their piercing teeth ripping and slashing her skin.  
  
“ _Can you help the hopeless?_  
_Well, I'm begging on my knees,_  
_Can you save my bastard soul_?”  
  
Her mind was spinning, her thoughts were confused. Suddenly her husband’s eyes appeared in front of her. Those deep, calming blue eyes that had captivated her since the first time she had seen them. She knew they held pain, oh so much pain. But she had welcomed it, she had welcomed **_him_**. She had always been intrigued by them, by those unfathomable orbs which claimed to hold no love, no tie to human feelings, no mercy. But she had learned it was just a façade, only a conventional defiance to embrace in front of the cruel world. Oh, how she loved those eyes; how she loved the fact that he only let them shine when in the privacy of their quarters, while he showered her with affection and admiration. _But soon there would be nothing to be proud of._  
  
“ _Will you wait for me?_ ”  
  
Now her tear-streaked face held so much pain, so much regret. She wasn’t as strong willed as him. She had always esteemed his charming behavior and solid determination. She would surely disappoint him. All the nights where they shared their passion, their love; all the caresses, the kisses the affectionate gestures; all their strolls by London's gray harbor, when he would whisper those sweet words in her ear, promising an eternal and blissful future together; all the witty comments they had shared; all the arguments about her safety and well-being; his shouts as he screamed how she was the most important person to him, the last shard of hope in his twisted world, the only one to bring him happiness, the only link to his humanity he had preserved and cherished. He would let nothing happen to you. He would protect you. **Always**. Even if it meant to protect you from yourself. And even that night, he did.  
  
“ _I'm sorry brothers,_  
_So sorry lover,_  
_Forgive me father,_  
_I love you mother_ ”  
  
Suddenly two arms enveloped her waist from behind, giving her a sense of warmth and calm. She felt protected. More tears stained  her reddened cheeks. Finally, she let the dagger slip from her shaky hands and turned around, embracing her beloved. She sobbed loudly, letting all her sorrow out. She had failed. She couldn’t even bring herself to think about it. She had failed **them**.  She screamed, louder and louder, until she was on her knees, rotting in despair. She was a coward.  
  
“ _Can you hear the silence?_  
_Can you see the dark?_  
_Can you fix the broken?_ ”  
  
 He followed her in her sorrow. He had almost lost her. His only reason to live. She had almost slipped from between his fingers in so little time. He embraced her with all his might. He gripped her waist and tried to comfort her with whispers and light caresses. He could feel her. He could feel her pain - and he understood it. He had felt the same bleakness and despair many years before.  
  
“ _Can you feel my heart?_ ”  
  
They laid on their bed, hands and legs interweaved. He watched caringly her blank and void face. She felt nothing. He couldn’t bear seeing her in such pitiful state. He wanted his smiling young Lady back. He wanted the girl who one way or another could make him laugh heartily even when he was in a grumpy mood back. He longed for the girl who had stolen his heart with her soft voice and comforting presence. He wanted the girl with whom he could share even the calming moments of silence without feeling awkward back. He wanted his wife back.  
  
“ _I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone._  
_I long for that feeling to not feel at all_ ”  
  
He had been so scared when he had seen her with that dagger aimed at her throat. He feared losing her more than he feared losing his life. And so he told her. He told her how he had always taken his distances from the world, how he had always defied his feelings from the night of the fire. He told her how in her company he could be just Ciel and not Ciel Phantomhive, the Queen’s Guard Dog. He told her how he felt alive when he was with her. How he wasn’t lonely anymore since she had come into his life.  
  
“ _The higher I get, the lower I'll sink._  
_I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim_ ”  
  
And as he pronounced those words, she smiled a watery smile in which she reversed her feelings, her love. She couldn’t deny it. She had failed, but he knew vey well what failure felt like. They could at least bring themselves to share it and continue living in failure together.  
  
“ _Can you hear the silence?_  
_Can you see the dark?_  
_Can you fix the broken?_  
_Can you feel... can you feel my heart?”_


End file.
